Creating space for ourselves and others

Prioritising yourself isn’t selfish

Felt drained and unhappy but couldn’t explain why

The concept of creating space had never been the priority for me for a long time not until a couple of years ago, just before covid when I started practicing this. It felt strange and selfish when I had to tell friends and loved ones I wasn’t in the mood for company or just needed some solitude.

Is there something wrong?

Are you ok?

I was asked and my answer was always “no there is nothing wrong and yes I am ok.” However, these answers were not entirely true because though I was physically ok. My emotional and mental capacities were running low and I was spreading myself thin to make others feel ok and show that everything was ok but I wasn’t ok. There was 2 people though who knew my “I was ok” wasn’t entirely true. My mum and sister. My sister will then ask again sometimes after our family call - are you sure you’re ok? When I had the courage and strength I would share but most of the time I just needed the alone time to recharge.

The realisation

This made me evaluate what I had been prioritising and in that list was me at the very bottom. How could I be the least important person to myself? Why was it so natural to drop everything and be there for others when I couldn’t even keep a promise to myself? I felt angry and disappointed at myself to start with but remembered I was doing what I knew to do and now that I had the awareness I can do better and it starts now.

Fill your cup

So I made a promise to myself to show more compassion to me. my plan was to dedicate at least a full day of the week to just being and also if I were asked to do something socially or for someone I will always ask these 2 questions.

1. Does this feel right or am I trying to please someone at my discomfort?

2. Am I excited to be around or together with this/these persons?

If the answers to these questions were a definite YES to the feeling and excitement of the social interaction and a NO to pleasing then I will jump right in. But if my answer was hesitant or not entirely sure I will not engage and decline. One NO at a time, was what I had to do to start taking better care of me.

So when I really started appreciating and taking better care of me I realised if I could be of any value to anybody then I needed to create that space for my rest and recharge. Well it all came down to setting that clear and healthy boundary for me and with others. I had to shed the guilt and put my well-being first so with much practice I started letting go off things that didn’t serve me, embraced saying NO more often and made a pact with myself accepting that I can control my reactions only and so how anybody else reacts to my boundaries is in their control and not mine.

Saying NO is OK

I had to protect my energy and sometimes that meant saying no to a crowd or declining that invitation. It’s not an easy thing to do if all we’ve known is to please others and put them first or always be in their company. One of the hardest but rewarding things I did was learning to love my company, yes being alone with myself and my thoughts. This was scary at times but remember being alone doesn’t mean being lonely and the realisation of this thought empowered me to such a great degree. So when I truly decided that I was focussing on me and what I really wanted, sometimes all I had was my journal, the quietness and my thoughts. I became best friends with the journals and today when I read back in them I realise that my growth has come not only through social interactions but mostly through my moments of solitude.

Growth in the silence

These moments thought me to stay still in the moment and observe, to learn patience whilst I waited for things to happen and to know how to engage myself in activities that will grow me or just for fun. Through these moments I have learnt to create space for me and also understand when others need space. See sometimes we just need to be alone and that is ok. Being alone doesn’t mean anything is wrong with us or with our lives.

We need the alone-time and space to do soul searching, recover, rest or even just the mere act of being. This however, might seem strange to others when we make this intention clear to them for us wanting to be alone, trust that it is not strange and we are not awkward, it is necessary for our own wellbeing and happiness. Oh and no matter what or who, we definitely do not need to apologise for taking this time for ourselves because our holistic wellbeing depends on this and being human means we cannot keep pouring from an empty cup. So let me know in the comments how you are creating space for yourself or intending to?

Journal prompt:

Do I feel it is ok to take time for myself? If not why?