Firing My Inner Critic - Dreading the Hardest Breakup of My Life

How I went from my worst critic to my most compassionate friend—and the interesting science behind rewriting our mental script

Hello and welcome to the Self-Worth Journal, I am Sheila Daisy a daughter of two cultures and Self-worth and Self Acceptance advocate. I write about my personal experiences with both of these concepts and how I have been able to build and nurture my self-worth. It is my hope that you will not only enjoy but find real value in my writing. Enjoy!

Happy new week dear friends!

During the start of my self-worth journey, I had an encounter that brought my attention to the voice inside my head. On a random workday night, I found myself lying awake playing a conversation that had happened earlier in the day with my then so-called best friend. My inner critic was on full blast: “Well you deserve to be treated as she did. No one will really like you for who you are. Maybe you shouldn’t have told her what was bothering you now she’s angry.”

This wasn't unusual as the voice in my head, had been my most consistent companion for over three decades—more reliable than any friendship, more persistent than any romantic relationship, and infinitely more cruel than any enemy I'd ever encountered, but that was because I dint know how to use it to my benefit.

That sleepless night happened after a row with my friend, so as I listened to the familiar litany of self-attacks, I had a startling realization - how mean of myself, if anyone else spoke to me the way I spoke to myself, I would have cut them out of my life years ago.

Yet here I was, giving prime real estate in my mind to a voice that never missed an opportunity to tear me down until I learnt how to tame it.

That's when I decided it was time for the most important breakup of my life, yes because I myself am the only person I will ever have the longest relationship with be it love or hate.

The Voice That Never Sleeps

My inner critic whom I will call Asem, had many personas, each with its own speciality of torture. There was the Perfectionist, who insisted that anything less than flawless was a failure, the one who would riddle me with fear to the extent that I didn’t take action until everything was “perfect”.

Then the was the Comparer, who constantly measured my worth against others and always found me lacking. Yes with this persona I was never enough or worthy of what I desired. Oh, and I had the Fortune Teller, who had what if and but as a middle name and hence predicted a negative outcome in every situation. Finally, there was the Historian, who kept a detailed catalogue of every mistake I'd made, ready to present evidence of why I couldn’t do certain things at a moment's notice and for weeks on end.

These voices were running the show of my life, they influenced what jobs I applied for only the "safe" ones which mostly were not well paid or very challenging, what relationships I pursued (only with people who were emotionally unavailable only to confirm my own self-made belief that I wasn’t worth what I desired) and how I moved through the world small, apologetic, constantly looking to please others.

Before my coaching period, I thought this harsh internal dialogue was normal to the point I even thought it was helpful. Yes, surely this constant self-monitoring was keeping me from making mistakes, pushing me to be better, and protecting me from the pain of failure by ensuring I never tried too hard in the first place, but boy was I wrong about all of it.

My sessions brought me to research how to identify the inner voice, naming it and what to do about it and what I found put me on a course for the better.

The Science Behind the Voice in Your Head

Dr. Ethan Kross's research at the University of Michigan revealed something that changed how I understood my inner critic. He notes that the same brain networks that activate when we experience physical pain also light up when we engage in harsh self-talk. My inner critic wasn't just putting me down—it was literally causing my brain to experience a phantom injury.

So, knowing that we can rewire our brains gave me some hope, neuroplasticity research from Dr. Rick Hanson shows that our brains are constantly rewiring themselves based on our repeated thoughts and experiences. Every time we choose a compassionate thought over a critical one, we're literally building new neural pathways that make self-kindness more automatic.

Dr. Kristin Neff's extensive research on self-compassion revealed that people who treat themselves with kindness show greater emotional resilience, lower levels of anxiety and depression, and—surprisingly—higher motivation and performance than those who rely on self-criticism for motivation.

Perhaps most importantly, Dr. Paul Gilbert's work on compassion-focused therapy demonstrated that we can actually train our brains to activate the soothing system associated with feelings of safety and care instead of defaulting to the threat system associated with criticism and fear when we make mistakes or face challenges.

This research gave me something I'd never had thought of, evidence that changing my relationship with my inner critic wasn't just possible it was scientifically supported.

The Anatomy of My Inner Critic

Before I could change the script, I had to understand what I was working with. Through months of coaching and mindful observation, I began to map the patterns of my internal criticism:

The Triggers

• Making any kind of mistake, no matter how small

• Being in social situations where I might be judged

• Trying something new or challenging

• Receiving compliments which triggered suspicion and deflection

• Having needs or desires that might inconvenience others

The Common Scripts

• You're not qualified or smart enough for this

• Everyone else has it figured out except you

• You're too sensitive/too much/not enough

• If people really knew you, they wouldn't like you

• You should be grateful and stop complaining

The Physical Impact

• Tension in my shoulders and jaw

• Shallow breathing

• Stomach knots

• Fatigue from constant hypervigilance

• Difficulty sleeping due to racing critical thoughts

• Skin inflammation.

Rewriting my Script: My Five-Step Process

Step 1: Noticing Without Judgment

The first step wasn't trying to stop the critic—it was simply becoming aware of when it was speaking. I started treating my inner critic like a little child trying to get my attention. Once I began actively listening, I was shocked by how constant and vicious it was.

Practice: I set time aside every day in the evening to recollect and journal what mental chatter had been going on. I’d try and remember all that I experienced during the day and ask "What has my inner voice been saying today?" No judgment, just observation.

Research backing: Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn's mindfulness research shows that awareness without judgment is the first step toward changing any mental pattern. You can't change what you're not conscious of.

Step 2: Naming the Critic

I started giving my critic character the name Asem which means trouble. This helped me make light of the mental chatter, whenever it roared I’d ask - “What is it again Asem?

Try this: Draw or describe your inner critic. What does it look like? How does it dress? What's its favourite phrase? Making it concrete makes it less powerful.

Step 3: Questioning the Evidence

I learnt to work with my inner critic so when the critic said, "You always mess everything up," I'd ask:

• Is this thought a fact?

• What evidence do I have to support this? What evidence contradicts it?

• Would I say this to a friend in the same situation?

• How is this thought serving me right now?

Research backing: Cognitive Behavioural Therapy research by Dr. Aaron Beck shows that questioning the accuracy of our thoughts can significantly reduce their emotional impact and power over our behaviour.

Step 4: Developing the Compassionate Voice

When I named my critic, it became less powerful which in turn made the hardest part of reframing this i.e. learning to speak to myself with kindness feel more easy as time passed. I started by imagining what I would say to my best friend facing the same challenge, then trying to offer myself the same compassion.

This led me to create statements for myself for common situations:

• After making a mistake: I'm human, and humans learn through experience. This mistake doesn't define my worth—it's information for next time.

• When feeling inadequate: I'm exactly where I need to be in my journey. Everyone moves at their own pace, and comparing my inside to others' outsides isn't fair to anyone.

• When facing a challenge: This feels scary because it matters to me and because I'm growing. I can do hard things, and I don't have to do them perfectly.

Step 5: The Daily Compassion Practice

I committed to one act of self-compassion every day—sometimes as simple as making myself tea when I was stressed, or taking a few minutes just to sit in silence.

Research backing: Dr. Christopher Germer's studies show that regular self-compassion practices literally change brain structure, increasing grey matter in areas associated with emotional regulation and empathy.

The Tools That Transformed My Internal Dialogue

Taming my inner critic had me experimenting with different techniques some of which I will share here.

The Best Friend Protocol

Before responding to my own mistakes or challenges, I ask: "What would I say to my dearest friend in this exact situation?" Then I offer myself the same kindness. This had me incorporating both self-compassion and inner-child healing as I always thought of my inner child when I had to answer.

The Growth Reframe

Instead of "I failed at this," I practice saying “This is something new that I haven't learnt yet." This small shift helped me acknowledge my capacity for growth rather than affirming a fixed identity.

The Loving Boundaries Practice

This is where I discovered that boundary setting wasn’t just for other people but also for myself. I learnt to set boundaries with my own inner critic whenever it roared I’d say "Thank you for trying to protect me, but I don't need this level of negative talk right now. I need encouragement and support.”

The Evidence Journal

I started writing the things I got criticised for the most and then kept a running list of evidence that contradicted my critic's favourite stories about me. These helped me with the statements that I used whenever the voice started drumming on my imperfections.

This journey has been painful but so enriching and there’ve been days when my compassionate voice felt weak and my critic seemed stronger than ever but I learnt that this is normal and the critic often gets louder when it senses its power being threatened.

A research by Dr. Steven Hayes on psychological flexibility taught me that the goal isn't to eliminate difficult thoughts but to change my relationship with them. This is true in all the ways we try to heal, our goal is never to eliminate the experiences as they have made us who we are but the goal is to change our relationship with these so we can move on with our lives healthily.

Some days, my critic still shows up loud and clear but the difference is that now I have other voices in the conversations, voices of wisdom, compassion, and truth and I try my best to make these louder than my critic’s.

Working with Setbacks

When I found myself falling back into old patterns of harsh self-talk, I learnt to treat these moments with curiosity rather than additional criticism. Paying attention to these I’d ask - What might I need right now? What does my compassionate voice have to say about this?

The Pay-Off I Never Expected

As my relationship with my inner voice transformed, other relational aspects of my life began to shift as well.

My relationships improved: When I stopped being my harshest critic, I naturally became less critical of others.

My work performance actually got better: Contrary to my fear that self-compassion would make me lazy, I found myself with more motivation at work because I dared make mistakes and learn from them and so I took on new challenges that I wouldn’t have at first.

My physical health improved: The chronic tension in my body began to release. I started sleeping better and my inflammation improved. Turns out that my constant self-attack was taking a serious physical toll.

Lastly, My creativity flourished: When I wasn't afraid of making mistakes, I became willing to try new things, take creative risks, and share my work with others. I am a baker at heart so I dove into new recipes and boy did I have fun coming up with delicious baked goods.

The Scripts That Saved My Self-Worth

Here are some of the compassionate responses I developed for my critic's greatest hits:

Critic - You’re not good enough for this opportunity.

Compassionate Voice - I may not have all the qualifications, but I have unique strengths and perspectives to offer. I'm allowed to grow into opportunities.

Critic - Everyone else seems to have it all figured out.

Compassionate Voice - Everyone is figuring it out as they go, including me and what I am seeing isn’t always what is happening on the inside

Critic - You shouldn't have said that—now you may have angered them.

Compassionate Voice - I spoke authentically, and on what matters to me. The right people will appreciate my honesty, and those who don't aren't my people.

Resources That Supported My Journey

Books that changed my inner landscape:

• Self-Compassion by Dr. Kristin Neff

• The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook by Dr. Kristin Neff and Dr. Christopher Germer

Apps and online resources:

• Insight Timer (free self-compassion meditations)

• Self-Compassion.org (guided exercises and research)

Professional support: Working with a therapist or coach trained in self-compassion approaches was invaluable. At my lowest, I sought out a coach and she helped me immensely to work with the things I was struggling with. Gone are the days when seeing a therapist or coach were stigmatised today it’s actually one of the best things we can do for ourselves.

The Voice That Changes Everything

Many years into this journey, my inner landscape sounds completely different. My critic still shows up occasionally, but it's no longer the loudest voice in the room. It's been joined by a group of compassionate, wisdom-filled, encouraging, and truth-singing voices.

The most profound shift is that I no longer need to earn my worth through a perfect performance or on a quest for never-ending self-improvement. I belong to myself unconditionally, mistakes, quirks and all. I’ve grown to accept that my worth isn't dependent on my performance or achievements but I was born worthy and that’s all there is to it.

My compassionate inner voice has become my most trusted cheerleader, my greatest source of encouragement, and my most reliable companion. I do laugh at myself sometimes when Asem now reminds me of my humanity when I forget, or celebrates my growth when I can't see it, and offers comfort when life gets hard and it certainly does.

Your Invitation to Rewrite Your Script

Not sure where you are but if you recognize yourself in my story—if you have an inner critic that won't quit, that never misses an opportunity to tear you down—I want to use this moment to encourage you that you can turn your worst critic into you best cheerleader like I did.

Because my dear friend, you don't have to live with constant self-attacks, motivate yourself through shame and criticism or try to earn your right to exist through perfect performance.

Right now and here you can start where you are.

Begin with awareness—just notice what your inner voice is saying throughout the day. Then start asking: "Is this helpful? Is this true? What would I say to a friend in this situation?”

Remember, you and I are worthy of the same compassion we would offer to anyone else we love so the kindest voice in your life should be your own.

Also, remember that your inner critic has had decades to perfect its script so be e patient with yourself as you learn a new language—the language of self-compassion. Every moment is an opportunity for us to choose a different voice, a kinder script, and a more loving way of being with ourselves.

The voice that changes everything isn't outside of us, it’s within you, waiting to be discovered, invited and cultivated. You and I have the power to rewrite our script, one compassionate thought at a time.

So as we start a new week I want you to notice - what does your inner critic say most often? What would change in your life if that voice became your biggest cheerleader instead of your harshest judge? I’d love to know your thoughts so share your inner critic patterns in the comments—sometimes naming them out loud is the first step to changing them.

Thank you for reading, I would love to hear your thoughts, perspectives and experiences so please do share them in the comments. If you also know someone who might resonate, please do share this with them.

Love & light

Sheila Daisy