Gratitude for Boundaries

Walls keep everybody out. Boundaries teach people where the door is.

One of the challenging things in all relationships is setting boundaries even with ourselves, and in recent years I have become more aware, appreciative and respectful of boundaries. Mine and other people’s alike. We tend to think that when we set boundaries we are hurting other people or being self-centred but that is contrary to the truth as when you don’t show people what the limits to what you will accept or not are they

1. Will not know that it’s disrespecting or affecting you and

2. You will feel taken advantage of and also people will take advantage of you and the situation.

Setting healthy boundaries has been a thing I am really grateful for, though I learnt that at a latter stage in life. As recent as the past week I had an experience with my sister and I could see how both of us had grown in our journeys. We were having a conversation and I said -

“I have to go now as I need to do some coaching work, so I will call back when I am done”

“No let’s finish up for today as I will also be working she replied”

“No but I want to talk later I said and she assertively said,

“Please respect that I said no as I will be working. I am hanging up because you need to go and work so let's talk tomorrow instead”.

“OK I said and we said our goodbyes and hung up. Her previous self would be like - I can’t say no to my big sister and my previous self will be like - why doesn’t she want to speak to me or how dare her tell me NO but she respected herself to put this boundary in place and focus on her work and I respected that decision, the same way I put a boundary in place to prioritise my work during our call and she also respected mine.

We both earned the respect we desired from urselves and each other but the situation isn’t always as black or white.

I am a daughter of two very different societies, African and European and growing up in these two places has taught me some hard lessons on boundaries, creating them, accepting them and respecting them. It is not very common or rather widely accepted in my African society to set boundaries when it comes to family relations so sometimes doing this made you look disrespectful but I had gotten to a point where that was enough for me.

You might be able to relate to this - being asked that awkward question of when you are getting married or having kids and the worst is when your mother gets asked this in your presence. I have had to tell elderly relatives that I wasn’t interested in discussing this and left the conversation but the best experience has been one with my mum. She used to get asked in most family gatherings why me being an eldest daughter was not yet married. I remember vividly one time when an aunt of my mum asked her this question and she blatantly replied -

“when she is ready and has found a man she will, as you can see I don’t have a supermarket with men lined up so I can’t make that selection for her.”

I was stunned. Simple.

I always knew my mum had my back but in such gatherings you would expect her to be more subtle but she later told me that was to shut them all up. Yes right there and then she set the boundary of how far others could go to discuss her children. To date, I haven’t had such a question since. So grateful for her clearly showing where the limits for discussing her children are.

Then in a professional capacity, I had a few opportunities come to me through additional partnerships outside my corporate job and here I had the choice to set boundaries with both myself and others. I was introduced to different business ideas which I researched and tried for a bit but I had to set the boundary when these were beginning to take more of my energy and time.

I asked myself - is this what you really want to do? I found myself answering no because nothing apart from the additional income excited me. From that I made a decision to quit even with the investment I had made but that was not the end as my partners were pushing for me to stay.

It was not only stressing me out but also making me anxious of all that had to be done. When I told them of my decision they said to just keep on doing this or trying that but that wasn’t the problem, the problem was if I wasn’t inspired and motivated no amount of solutions could get me to give my utmost so I finally said NO to all their proposals and left. To think that would be the end was a lie, I still had them contacting me months after to tell me about new opportunities and this time I was firm and assertive telling them -

“please respect that I no longer want to do this as I already have other projects I want to concentrate on. Should I be interested in the future I know where to find you, for now it is still a NO from me.”

That was a relief having stood my ground and letting go. I later learnt that my decision inspired others to also leave as they were feeling the same but not wanting to disappoint.

This right there made me grateful for boundaries and the choice and ability to set them. Well for me keeping on with doing this was rather the disappointment to myself as I wasn’t valuing myself enough to respect my own hearts callings. The boundary was first and foremost respecting myself and knowing when to say stop and then secondly, being assertive in my answer to others and sticking to it. Was it hard - yes it was but was it worth it? You can bet it was and still is as I am now pursuing what I desire and not what others think will be better for me.

Did people get angry, irritated yes they did but I also know that the only people who get angry when you set a boundary are those benefitting from me not having one and if that is the case then the more reason why I need to set boundaries with them. So I would love to know what boundary you are setting and how you are honouring yourself in that?

AFFIRMATION:

Setting a healthy boundary is my way of taking care of myself.