How I Found True Love Only After Learning to Love Myself: 5 Life-Changing Lessons

You attract what you are not what you want. So if you want it then reflect it - Tony Gaskins

Hello and welcome to the Self-Worth Journal, I am Sheila Daisy a daughter of two cultures and a Self-worth and Self Acceptance advocate. I write about my personal experiences with both of these concepts and how I have been able to build and nurture my self-worth. It is my hope that you will not only enjoy but find real value in my writing. Enjoy!

Just before the covid pandemic, I had a rude awakening one that led me almost into a depression but also started me on a different aspect of my self-development journey.

For years, I chased love like it was something I could catch if I just ran fast enough. I had all aspects of my life in order, career, own car, own apartment and great finances but there was that one thing missing - my person. I tried dating apps, blind dates, hoping each new person might be "the one"—I was exhausted, disappointed, and increasingly convinced something was wrong when all the men I attracted were emotionally unavailable, didn't have their shit together and cheaters.

After some years of the same character in different races and faces, where I’d been strung along and left with broken dreams of forever with you - I started questioning why I always found myself in such situations.

Well, I didn’t have to look far because it became clear to me that I was the common denominator, so if anything it was I who needed to face some hard truth if I was to break this cycle. When I started my coaching sessions my coach helped me realise why I was repeating this pattern.

Why do I let people not just romantic partners but friends as well as colleagues treat me as they did? I discovered that in my eagerness to please others, all I was seeking was to belong and to be loved. But what I didn't realise was that the love I desperately sought outside myself was actually waiting for me to find it within.

The Breaking Point That Changed Everything

It was after yet another failed relationship—this one particularly painful—that I hit my emotional rock bottom. There was this painful hollow feeling that I couldn’t put into words and I didn’t want to go to work or leave my apartment for months.

But I had to go to work every day when all I felt like was hiding under my duvet, I found myself staring at my reflection one evening, hardly recognising the person looking back at me. How could I let my whole existence depend on whether someone chose me or not?

That moment became my turning point. I made a decision that seemed a bit scary at the time but I am glad I did it: I was going to take a full year off from dating and focus exclusively on building a loving relationship with myself based on what I’d discovered with my coach. I left our third session with so many questions but I was determined to do this for me.

I set out to find how I could learn to love myself more, practices I could engage in to this effect but the internet was a blurry and generic information hub on this. So being a marketer by profession I created a SWOT for what my self-love looked like and how I was hoping to indulge in more.

I then came up with my own formula - my self-love guide (comment if you want me to share this) that made me realise that contrary to the generic information on the internet like treating yourself to a spa date or buying yourself something nice or whatever, learning to love yourself is not a one size fits all.

The Science Behind Self-Love and Relationship Success

What I didn't know then was that research strongly supports this approach. A 2019 study published in the Journal of Personality found that individuals with higher self-compassion reported more satisfying romantic relationships.

Psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff's research consistently shows that self-compassion—treating yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a good friend—correlates strongly with healthier relationship patterns.

It makes sense when you think about it. As clinical psychologist Dr. Lisa Firestone explains, "We can only choose partners who are at our same level of emotional development." When we heal our relationship with ourselves, we naturally attract partners who reflect that healing.

My Journey to Self-Love And How It Changed Everything

1. I Learned to Recognise and Interrupt My Inner Critic

My internal dialogue was brutal. I'd never speak to a friend the way I spoke to myself. Following techniques from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, I began catching these thoughts and challenging them. I kept a "thought journal" where I documented self-critical thoughts and rewrote them with compassion.

Research by Dr. Daniel Siegel of the Mindsight Institute shows that this practice of "name it to tame it" actually helps rewire neural pathways in the brain. Replacing words like - who do you think you are with I am worthy exactly as I am and I am loveable. Over time, my inner critic became quieter, and my self-compassion grew stronger.

2. I Established Non-Negotiable Self-Care Rituals

I committed to treating myself with the thoughtfulness I'd show a partner. This meant establishing daily and weekly rituals that honoured my physical, emotional, and spiritual needs—not just when I felt worthy, but especially when I didn’t.

Every morning began with my devotion, meditation/prayer and journaling. Sundays became my 100% Me-Times and Self-Date days" where I'd have a lazy Sunday with a slow morning and being at home depending on the week I’d had or I’d take myself to museums, parks, or simply read in a café.

I’ve always loved cooking and baking but in this era, I went the extra mile for myself. I started cooking nourishing meals just for myself, setting the table properly rather than eating in front of the TV or desk. I felt good and proud of myself for taking the time to care for me.

According to research published in the British Journal of Health Psychology, these intentional self-care practices increase self-esteem and create a foundation for healthier relationships with others.

3. I Reimagined My Relationship History

Instead of seeing my past relationships as failures, I began viewing them as essential teachers. Yes, they had taught me well, what signs to look for, red flags to be aware of and my non-negotiables. Each one had shown me something important about myself—what I truly valued, what I couldn't tolerate, and the patterns I needed to break.

I wrote letters (never sent) to former partners, expressing gratitude for what each relationship had taught me. This practice, recommended by relationship therapist Esther Perel, helped me release resentment and see how each relationship had prepared me for something better.

4. I Built a Life I Loved Being In

Rather than waiting for a partner to complete my life, I began creating a life that felt fulfilling on its own. I took up yoga and met new friends with the same love for the practice, joined a hiking group and did the 3 peaks in the North of England with two of my friends, and started making jewellery with my sister.

My life was more than full now especially because all of the things I was doing were for me and not out of obligation to others. A 2018 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that individuals who reported fulfilment in their independent lives were more likely to form healthy interdependent relationships later.

5. I Defined My Non-Negotiables and Stuck to Them

After deep reflection, I identified five core values that were absolutely essential in a partner. Not shallow preferences, but fundamental character traits that aligned with my authentic self. I wrote these down and promised myself I wouldn't compromise on them, even if it meant being single longer.

This clarity came from truly knowing myself—something I couldn't have achieved while frantically dating to fill a void.

When Love Finally Found Me

I wish I could say it took only a year for me to find him but that would be a lie, Almost 4 years after my year of self-love, I met my now-partner. I had been actively on the market now for almost 6 months and was tired of dates, especially first dates ( yes I know this may not be a long time) so when we decided to meet my only prayer was to let us both have fun and enjoy each other’s company.

We met for brunch and can I say without sounding like a broken cliche record - when you know you know! A first date that lasted over 8 hours and had it not been for the fact that he had travelled to come and see me we would still have continued.

What felt different this time wasn't just him—it was me. I didn't feel the usual anxiety about impressing him or moulding myself to his expectations. I was comfortable in my own skin, clear about who I was and what mattered to me. For the first time, I was entering a relationship from a place of wholeness rather than lack.

Our connection developed naturally and honestly. Early on, I noticed how he respected my boundaries, shared my core values, and—perhaps most tellingly—how I remained fully myself around him. There was no shrinking, no performing, no abandoning of the self-worth I had cultivated.

The Paradox That Changed Everything

The beautiful irony wasn't lost on me: it was only when I stopped desperately seeking love outside of myself that I found it in its most authentic form. As psychologist Carl Jung put it, "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”

My transformation had to happen first. By learning to love myself completely—flaws, imperfections, and all—I became capable of receiving the kind of love I'd always hoped for.

A love that never made me question his motives, if I was being loved for something else than just who I truly am, a love so full in itself that every look from him reminds me of how much I am adored and how blessed we are every day. It did not come easily because I had to do the work and I am still doing it every day. So, if you are like me, wanting to cultivate the deepest and purest love with yourself, here are some resources here below.

Your turn

Resources for Your Self-Love Journey

If you're struggling with self-worth and relationship patterns, here is an article, I wrote and these resources here have been incredible for me:

• Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Dr. Kristin Neff – Offers practical exercises to develop self-compassion

• Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller – Helps identify attachment patterns that may be sabotaging relationships

• The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook by Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer – Provides structured exercises to build self-compassion

• Loving Bravely by Alexandra Solomon – Explores how to prepare yourself psychologically for healthy love

Take home message

It might feel selfish but remember that learning to love yourself even though it means prioritising yourself, isn’t selfishness—it's the foundation for all other relationships in your life. When you truly value yourself and know your worth, you naturally attract people who value you too. The journey isn't always easy, but speaking from experience, it's absolutely worth it.

The most important relationship you'll ever have is with yourself. Make it a loving one, and watch how that love expands to include others who treat you with the same care, respect and peace you've learned to give yourself.

Thank you for reading, I would love to hear your thoughts, perspectives and experiences so please do share them in the comments. If you know someone who might resonate please do share this with them.

Wishing you a beautiful week ahead.

Love & light

Sheila Daisy