I Thought Setting Boundaries Would Push People Away—Instead, It Brought Me Home to Myself

The surprising truth about why saying "no" to others is actually saying "yes" to your deepest self

Hello and welcome to the Self-Worth Journal, I am Sheila Daisy a daughter of two cultures and Self-worth and Self Acceptance advocate. I write about my personal experiences with both of these concepts and how I have been able to build and nurture my self-worth. It is my hope that you will not only enjoy but find real value in my writing. Enjoy!

Happy new week dear friends!

For a good part of three decades, I lived as if my worth depended on how available I was to everyone else. I said yes when I meant no, stayed quiet when I wanted to speak up, and gave until I had nothing much worth giving—all while telling myself this was what "good people" do.

I thought boundaries were selfish walls that would isolate me from love, belonging and connection. I was terrified that if I started honouring my own needs, people would see the "real" me with my quirks and imperfections and decide I wasn't worth staying for. Well, they left anyway so I was in the end fighting a losing battle.

However, this is what I’ve learnt - boundaries weren’t walls that keep people out, they’re the foundation that allowed me to truly belong—first to myself, and then authentically to others.

The Day I Realized I Was Homeless in My Own Life

The turning point came when a former friend got angry because I couldn’t spend all my weekends with her and when we made appointments to meet she would expect that I had set aside the whole day and evening for her.

On this particular day, I had to finish work, go for house viewings and come back home for my coaching client. I asked her to meet halfway so we could grab a cup of coffee but that wasn’t enough because she expected me to stay the whole evening.

I couldn’t do that as I already had the other commitment so I drove back after my viewings and she did not like it. She waited a few days and decided to call and confront me about it, it was like nothing I had experienced before. Not even a heated sibling argument was like this, I let her talk the whole time and when she was done I said, “I hear you but I need time to process this.”

That was not the reaction she expected because she responded - what do you mean you need time and kept on going. I was dumbfounded so after the conversation or rather monologue I decided to meet with her and share my views. I couldn’t understand what had happened, why her feelings hadn’t been communicated or why her wish to spend more hours together hadn’t been expressed.

As I sat in my car in the parking lot, carefully thinking through what to say, I had a crushing realization I was still looking for ways to please her when I was also hurting from her behaviour, I had become so focused on belonging everywhere that I belonged nowhere, least of all to myself.

I was hurting so bad because I thought I was doing exactly what a good friend would do so why was it still not enough? Why wasn’t I enough? But wait did I feel enough to myself? I thought why am I letting people treat me like this?

That's when I understood - without boundaries, I wasn't being generous—I was being dishonest. I was saying yes to the wrong thing and people from fear, not love, and that wasn't serving anyone.

The Science of Belonging and Boundaries

In hindsight, Brené Brown's research on belonging changed how I understood boundaries. In her studies of thousands of people, she found that true belonging isn't about fitting in—it's about having the courage to stand in your truth, even when it's uncomfortable.

Her research revealed something that shocked me: people with the strongest sense of belonging are also the ones most likely to set clear boundaries. They understand that you cannot belong to others if you don't first belong to yourself.

Also, another interesting research by neuroscientist Dr. Matthew Lieberman on social pain shows that rejection activates the same brain regions as physical pain. This explains why setting boundaries feels so scary—our brains literally interpret potential rejection as a threat to our survival.

However, his research also reveals that people who practice self-compassion show less activation in these pain centres, making boundary-setting less emotionally overwhelming.

To support this, Dr. Kristin Neff's studies demonstrate that self-compassion is the strongest predictor of emotional resilience. When we treat ourselves with kindness, we're more capable of making decisions that honour our authentic needs—even when those decisions disappoint others.

What I Learned About Boundaries and Self-Worth

Through months of intentional practice and several coaching sessions, I began to understand that boundaries and self-worth are intimately connected and realising the below helped me immensely in my practising of them.

Boundaries Are My Love Letters to My Future Self

Every time I said no to something that drained me, I was saying yes to having energy for what truly mattered. This showed up when I stopped agreeing to weekend plans that left me exhausted, I had space and energy for the creative projects that lit me up.

My Discomfort Is Information, Not Instructions

I learned to distinguish between the discomfort of growth - setting a boundary and the discomfort that signals something is wrong i.e. ignoring my needs. The first leads to expansion; the second leads to depletion.

People-Pleasing Is Actually People-Controlling

This was the hardest truth for me. My chronic yes-saying wasn't pure altruism—it was an attempt to control how others saw and perceived me. I was trying to earn love through exhaustion, overgiving and overindulging which isn't love at all.

The Anatomy of Healthy Boundaries

Through trial and error, and a lot of self-compassion when I got it wrong, I learned that healthy boundaries have specific characteristics:

They're Clear, Not Cruel

Old way: Disappearing when overwhelmed or exploding in frustration

New way: I need to take some time to recharge before I can be fully present with you.

They're About You, Not About Them

Old way: Be bitter and feel that people always ask too much of me.

New way: clearly let them know I'm not available for evening calls after 9 PM because I need that time to wind down.

They're Consistent, Not Conditional

Old way: Different rules depending on my mood or who's asking

New way: The same standards applied with kindness across relationships

They Include Self-Compassion for Imperfection

Old way: Beating myself up when I couldn't maintain a boundary perfectly

New way: This is new and still I'm learning. It's okay that this is hard, I can try again tomorrow.

Some Boundary Practices That Changed My Relationship with Myself

1. The Hell Yes – Definite No Rule

Before saying yes to any non-urgent request, I give myself a day to feel into what I actually want and how I feel about it. If it wasn’t a Hell Yes immediately, I hear the request then it’s a definite No. This simple pause prevented countless decisions made from anxiety rather than authenticity.

Try this: Practice saying, "Let me check my calendar and get back to you." This buys you time to consult your energy levels, not just your schedule and if you still are not that enthused about it the answer should be a no.

2. The Body Check-In

I learned to notice physical sensations when making decisions this happened after a lot of practice. Before getting in tune with my body I thought the churning and pain in my chest meant I had to say yes but I got to realise that dread in my stomach meant no, even when my mind was spinning stories about why I "should" say yes and lightness in my chest meant yes, even when it felt scary.

Research supporting this is Dr. Antonio Damasio's work on somatic markers showing that our bodies often know what's right for us before our minds do. Physical sensations are valuable data in decision-making.

3. The Values Alignment Assessment

Before committing to anything, I ask 3 questions which I learnt from Deepak Chopra

• Is what am saying yes to going to bring value to me and others?

• Is what am saying yes to in alignment with my core values, or am I saying yes from fear, guilt, or the need to be liked?"

• Is what am saying yes to going to endanger others?

If I am able to answer yes, yes and no then I go ahead and say yes.

Try this: Anytime you are put in a situation where you have to make a decision where your values may be in play try asking these questions to help you.

4. The Boundary Mantra Practice

Some habits are hard to break and when you have been the person that always said yes the guilt felt for saying no can almost feel like betrayal. When guilt or fear arises around boundary-setting, I remind myself - I can be compassionate and have boundaries. I can love people and still honour my limits.

The Relationships That Deepened (And the Ones That Didn't)

I will never forget hearing this saying – when people get angry and disappointed when you set boundaries it is the more reason that you have to set them.

This was so evident in some of the relationships I had, the dynamics simply changed when I started setting boundaries. A few people who had grown accustomed to my unlimited availability expressed frustration or pulled away.

This was painful, but it was also a turning point in my “sifting” through the relationships in my life. Dr. Harriet Lerner's research on relationship dynamics shows that healthy relationships can respect boundary-setting, while relationships built on one person's over-functioning often cannot survive when that dynamic shifts.

But here's what surprised me - my closest relationships, with my sister and mum, actually deepened. Whilst friendships that were built on my overgiving just withered away. When I started showing up authentically—sometimes saying no, sometimes asking for what I needed—I gave others permission to do the same.

My godson’s mum once said “I couldn’t understand why you suddenly weren’t always available when I called to talk after 9:00 pm but now I see how important this has been in respecting your time. this has also helped me prioritise my time and energy.” This was after I set a boundary not to have any conversations with others outside of my home after 9:00 pm because I would like to wind down and not be roused up before bed.

How to Work with Guilt and Fear When Boundaries Feel Impossible

The hardest part of learning boundaries wasn't the practical aspects—it was managing the emotional turmoil that followed these were either my own or that of others. Here's what helped me work with the difficult feelings:

Normalizing the Guilt

Dr. Susan David's research on emotional agility shows that guilt after setting boundaries is completely normal—it doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. Learning this was a huge relief as I learned to embrace and acknowledge the short moments of guilt. I’d smile and think “You're here because I'm changing a pattern, and change is scary. You can be here while I still do what's right for me because there is room for both you and change.”

Reframing Selfishness

Sometimes we say yes out of obligation but being spiritual I have always had this notion that there is no blessing in saying yes to something that I am not particularly happy with or about. This mindset made it easier to set clear boundaries when I felt that I couldn’t be a blessing or be blessed by the commitment at hand.

Building Distress Tolerance

Learning to set boundaries has been a rocky journey, with days when I literally had to coach myself into sitting with and acknowledging my emotions. When the urge to people-please felt overwhelming, I practised sitting with the discomfort instead of immediately acting to relieve it. Dr. Marsha Linehan's research on distress tolerance shows that uncomfortable emotions always pass if we don't act impulsively to avoid them.

The Unexpected Gift of Belonging to Myself

As I became more skilled at honouring my own needs and limits, something profound happened, I started feeling at home in my own body and life. I no longer felt like I was pretending from a version of myself that wasn’t my authentic self, for approval—I was simply being myself, boundaries and all.

This shift in my relationship with myself changed everything for me as I stopped seeking belonging from others because I had found it within myself. Paradoxically, this made me more attracted to the kinds of relationships I actually wanted, ones based on mutual respect rather than my availability.

Brené Brown calls this "true belonging"; the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness.

Practical Boundary Scripts That Saved My Sanity

When I read somewhere No was a complete answer meaning saying no and leaving it at that was ok was very foreign to me but practicing it gave me some type of confidence and respect for myself that I never had. So was learning what to say when setting boundaries that weren’t just a no. Here are some examples that helped me:

For saying no to social plans: Thank you for thinking of me. I'm not available that evening, but I hope you have a wonderful time.

For work boundaries: I want to give this project the attention it deserves. Based on my current workload, I could start this on [date] or we could discuss adjusting timelines on other priorities.

For family dynamics: I’d really love to talk but I'm not in the right mental space to discuss this topic right now. Can we talk about [alternative topic] instead?

For romantic relationships: I need some time to process this conversation. Can we revisit it tomorrow evening when I've had time to think?

Resources That Supported My Boundary Journey

Books that transformed my understanding:

• Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

• The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown

• Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

Online resources:

• Self-Compassion.org for guided practices in treating yourself with kindness

The Daily Practice of Coming Home to Yourself

Every now and again I am reminded of the importance of setting boundaries, so after many years into this journey, setting boundaries feels less like an act of rebellion and more like an act of love—love for myself and love for the people in my life who deserve my authentic presence rather than my resentful availability.

I still feel the pull to say yes when I mean no. The difference is that now I pause, check in with myself, ask self-soothing questions and choose consciously rather than react automatically. I've learnt that the discomfort of disappointing others temporarily is far less painful than the soul-crushing experience of abandoning myself repeatedly.

Every boundary I set is a small act of coming home to myself and of honouring my worth. It's a declaration that my needs matter, my energy is valuable, my time should be respected and my authentic self is worthy of protection and care.

Your Invitation to Belong to Yourself

As we start a new week, I’d like to encourage you if you've been living like I did and trying to belong everywhere while belonging nowhere, I want you to know that it's never too late to come home to yourself. Setting a boundary can seem daunting but you are doing both yourself and the other person a service by setting one. You don't have to earn your worth through endless availability, and you don't have to prove your love by ignoring your limits.

You can be kind and still have boundaries. You can be loving and self-protective. You can care for others while also caring for yourself.

Setting boundaries need not be something radical, you can start small. Notice one area where you consistently say yes when you mean no, then practice the pause. Feel into what you actually want and honour that truth, even if it feels scary.

Remember, boundaries aren't walls that keep love out rather they are the foundation that makes authentic love possible. When we first belong to ourselves, we can show up genuinely for others—not from depletion and resentment, but from wholeness and a conscious choice.

I understand how hard this can be but remember that the world doesn't need another person who gives until they're empty. The world needs you—fully yourself, with your beautiful, healthy boundaries intact, offering your gifts from a place of abundance rather than obligation.

Your authentic self, complete with limits and needs, is not just acceptable—it's essential because living a fulfilling life requires you being here and exactly as you are, boundaries and all.

What's one boundary you've been afraid to set? What would change in your life if you honoured that limit with compassion for yourself?

Thank you for reading, I would love to hear your thoughts, perspectives and experiences so please do share them in the comments. If you also know someone who might resonate, please do share this with them.

Love & Light

Sheila Daisy