It Is Not My Responsibility To Say No To Me

Why romanticising my worth is my latest obsession

“…but I am your friend and it’s my turn,” I said with tears in my eyes and a shaky voice.

“I don’t care who you are or what I said before, I will do what I want with my things,” she said to me as she gave the book to another girl who was from a richer family and one of the popular girls.

Those were the words from my childhood friend and a girl whose words crushed my fragile ego.

Those words stung and to this day, I am taken back to them whenever I experience discrimination or rejection - making me question my worth.

This happened over 3 decades ago but as the years passed I resorted to overcompensating in my actions just to be liked and belong. Being overly available, overly tolerant and loving too much and too hard brought me a lot of pain and sadness because the harsh truth is bad people will take as long as you keep on giving. But I have done a lot of work on myself since. The work is not completed because as I wrote in last week’s newsletter this journey hasn’t got a destination.

To The Present

“It is not my responsibility to say no to me,” he said while discussing career opportunities with my partner. That made me smile because that sentence summed up my whole journey and why I feel like sharing why I am obsessed with romanticising my worth and my idea of how this looks like.

The Wake-up Call

“I think I might be depressed…” I choked up

For so many years I’d been putting others first, their needs, comfort and luxuries to the point I was just living a shell of the life I wanted and deserved. After two very disappointing and failed relationships with emotionally unavailable men, which were right after each other I took the time to get to know myself better because, after all, I was the common denominator.

This meant revisiting the hurtful moments, sitting and working through my emotions and thoughts. It put me on a 4-year long journey of rediscovery, getting to know myself better and how to fill my own cup was my priority during this time and I stayed single all this while. Yes because most of the work I needed to do on my own and for myself, yes most because some things I still needed to work on whilst in a relationship.

When I got a better understanding of what it feels and is like to love and appreciate my worth I knew I was on to something. I realised I had the power to choose what I would tolerate or not. I could say no without further explanation or justification and I could walk away from situations that weren’t serving me all because I learnt how to respect and value my worth.

Rediscovering my worth and finding a deeper love for who I am, came in so many different ways; finding the ways and things that brought me joy, peace and filled my soul’s cup

It was strange for me to find very generic information about self-love in online resources or when I talked to people, and in my state, those things didn’t quite resonate. But then my searching gave me insights and inspiration as to what I could do for myself. Rediscovering my worth and finding a deeper love for who I am, came in so many different ways; finding the ways and things that brought me joy, peace and filled my soul’s cup. They were in the small things, thoughtful gestures and personal touches.

- Taking time to dine me, yes I go all in make a nice solo 3-course dinner, set the table, light some candles, pour myself a glass of Chardonnay and enjoy the meal because I am also worth that effort and attention.

- The setting of healthy boundaries with people and myself

- Saying “no” to invitations that I felt would be draining and then staying at home soaking up my own creative energy in solitude

- Watching the way I talk to myself when I am sad, angry and happy

- Having the early morning quiet time all to myself before starting and sharing my day with anyone

- Indulging in a new cake recipe or crocheting a new project

- More importantly, it is in prioritising myself without compromising my and others’ feelings.

The time I gave to cultivating my self-worth again put me in a place where I am better at choosing and making decisions. Good things and relations started coming to me because I wasn’t accepting the bare minimum or putting my needs last rather I was going all in for myself. I met my partner, who is incredible and very much in touch with his emotions and a present partner as well.

All because I decided to put myself first and learn to love myself again so I could recognise healthy love when it came to me.

It truly isn’t my job to say no to me because out there in the world, are thousands of people ready to do that for me, my one and only job is to say yes to me. To allow myself to dream and dare be the person I want and wish to be. To go after the position, the projects, and the relationships that I desire because I am worthy of them.

So romanticising my worth means going the extra mile for myself - allowing myself to enjoy whichever moment I am in more and being my own biggest cheerleader.

Your turn

Nurturing our self-worth is an important ongoing process and one that requires reflection from time to time. My general thought about it is taking inventory frequently so I don’t get one of those harsh wake-up calls where the universe forces you to take responsibility for yourself.

Without knowing where you are in life currently and how you feel about yourself, I would like to encourage you to take some time and answer questions. Then follow it up by finding 1-2 things you can do to prioritise your worth for each question. Like I read somewhere - A self-help book with just a page says - You have all the answers within you.

1. What do I think about myself?

2. How do I react when people say something rude to me in a supposedly joking manner?

3. How can I be to myself?

I hope answering these questions helps you address some ways we treat ourselves that we might not always pay attention to. I would love to hear what you come up with so please feel free to comment or send a message.

Have a great week ahead.

Love & light

Sheila Daisy