Self Love - what is it?
If you have the ability to love, love yourself first.― Charles Bukowski
In this newsletter and the new subsequent ones we will explore the concept of self love, what it means (in some resects), how it affects aspects like goal achievement and manifestation and some ways to cultivate a healthy love for ourselves.
Self love has so many connotations that it’s become more of a cliche in recent years but not until recently have these words really been imprinted in me. As a self worth coach this is the core of my life’s work and having come from a place of unworthiness myself to working through my challenges, developing a framework for cultivating self love, I am still amazed how much there is to learn on this. I remember when I was asked by my first coach years ago if I loved myself and I replied “I think I do”
What do you love about yourself? she asked
Well… erm… I make people laugh and I like to make people feel good around me”
Right, but what do you love about you? She asked again
I thought I had answered the question but no I had answered how I like to make people feel loved so I tried again.
“I love that I am hardworking and a giver.” I replied.
She looked at me smiled and said in all your answers you talk about how you make people feel I want to know how you make you feel?
How I made myself feel? I hadn’t thought about that so thinking for a while I asked in what ways? She responded how do you make yourself feel as in what are your inner conversations, how do you take care of yourself and what do you normally do to nourish yourself?
All these were new topics for me for I had never put so much thought into how I treated myself till then. This got me on a journey of self discovery, self healing and finding ways - my own way, of cultivating self love. See I found that self love though very basic will mean and show up in different ways and forms to each one of us so in finding how to nourish you, you will have to try out different things. When I got home I went online and started researching what is self love and how do I practice this? Yes I really did.
All that came up for me were very vague and generic, go out shopping, go to the spa, get a manicure, the list goes on but none of these were what I was desiring then. For to be able to fully enjoy these things you will have to like the person you are and at that time my appreciation of me wasn’t anything to write home about and this is where the general information of cultivating self love falls through the cracks.
Learning to love yourself in adulthood is simple but very difficult to do, as you have to first come to terms with the person you are in your current state and then start building on it. It’s simple because it doesn’t require much but an honest look at your current situation and mindset. Difficult because this can bring up so many things we’d much rather not explore but if we are to experience what true self love is, then we will have to do the inner work. I did it and still do it and the healing and growth hasn’t been without tears, disappointments, boundary setting, laughter, support and a lot of aha moments.
So in my journey so far I have discovered that self love is more than your spa treatments and includes all of the following, but not exhaustive.
Self love is keeping the promises I make to myself, have you had times when you were so motivated to start a new habit then after a couple days or weeks you quite well do you also quit when you promise to do something for someone? I bet you don’t and why is that so? Why do you value the other person better than yourself?
Self love is being consistent this ties in with the first point loving myself is showing up for myself with the things I decide to do and keeping at it. I might not feel like it but I am still going to do it. Just like school runs you might not necessarily feel like it but we do it out of obligation to our family so whatever you have started do it out of obligation to you.
Self love is talking nicely to and about myself. I had an old acquaintance comment on my accent once and this became played like a recording in my head whenever I wanted to speak up. It went like - your accent isn’t like the queen’s so no-one will listen to you. What a lie! Working through this I have found a deep appreciation for the voice and accent I have been gifted with I speak up and frequently tell myself what a unique voice and accent I have that allows me to share my message and make me relatable to my community. I also thought why criticise myself when I have other people doing that for me? Now I use my voice in recorded affirmations and meditations to empower myself and anyone who will listen.
Self love is setting healthy boundaries for yourself and others and walking away from anyone or situation that disrespects them.
Self love is appreciating your strengths and acknowledging your limits and learning to live with them harmoniously.
Self love is allowing yourself to receive graciously. When help is offered it is not needy to accept or being helpless to ask for help. Loving yourself help you to navigate when you really need help and asking.
Self love is taking time to nourish yourself, fill your cup and not feel guilty for doing so and one of my new found favourites, self love is learning to say NO without the need for explanations. The list actually goes on but in these few examples I have found a deeper appreciation for respect for me since I have been practicing these.
The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.”
― Steve Maraboli
Self love, now to me is starting a new and deeper relationship with myself, it is respecting myself enough to give me time to rediscover myself, my values, heal and find my voice. Being able to face the hard past and embracing the person I have become has been and is still a journey of learning to love myself more and more each day and so my question to you is what does self love mean to you and how are you cultivating this? I’d love to hear your thoughts so leave a comment and let’s explore this topic further.