Gratitude for saying NO

If it is not a hell YES! Then it’s definitely a NO!

NO is a complete sentence.

Can you relate to having to make a decision about something and then going over it so many times it starts making you anxious? Well I have and before I learnt this mantra that has become one of my favourites now - If it’s not a hell YES then it’s a definite NO - I would torture myself with making a decision concerning my true feeling just because I wanted to please others. Another form of not having boundaries that we touched on in last week’s newsletter.

After years of people pleasing and in my healing journey, I came across this mantra, which I am so grateful for and this is how it works: when I am asked to do something and right there and there my answer is yes I respond in the affirmative, but if I have to make a decision and I am finding it difficult to, I ask this question - If this was my last chance to do this particular thing and I missed it would I regret it? If my answer is yes then I make the decision to do the thing but if the response is neutral or still unsure I say NO and stop beating myself up about it.

This has been helpful but what has made an even bigger impact is saying NO without the need to explain myself. I find that this is very common especially amongst women in the sense that we feel a need to justify why we say NO to something or someone. It feels rude but it actually isn’t, on the contrary being able to say NO and stand by it is powerful and this relates to both personal and professional relationships.

I remember in the early stages of my coaching when I in a session with my coach talked about boundaries and saying NO.

I said to her

“I am not comfortable with saying NO and this is both in my personal and professional lives,” she said to me

“that is why you feel undervalued because you allow people and situations to take from you even though you are not happy with it. This is a way you disrespect yourself.”

That phrase right there - disrespecting myself - was the turning point for me, for how could I expect others to give me what I was depriving myself? She later challenged me to start saying NO to the situations that didn’t make me want to respond with an immediate yes just as a proof of self respect. As respect is one of my core values I made it my mission to respect this. Then came the opportunity to put this to the test, not long after I was asked by a friend to move an appointment from a Saturday to a Sunday afternoon. This was an inconvenience as she knew my Sundays are the days I spend by myself without any social commitments, so I stood my ground

Hi, I have had something come up can we move our catchup to Sunday afternoon instead?

No, unfortunately I can’t do Sunday so if you can’t do the appointment at the scheduled time on Saturday we will have to find another day and time and not a Sunday.

Oh I didn’t know you’re busy on Sunday apart from church she responded.

Yes apart from church I do nothing but I still can’t do Sundays, I said.

I left the answer like that as it was suggested by my coach to be able to say NO and not feel the need to give a reason for my answer. I could tell it didn’t go down well but I felt good not compromising but honouring myself in that instance. Previously, I will oblige and meet up even though I wasn’t happy about it but this served no one because how could she know I’d much rather be by myself honouring my alone time if I didn’t communicate that I couldn’t meet up that Sunday or any other Sunday.

It might be a basic example here but the point is that decision I made to stick to my own values and not feel the need to justify was just a two letter word and the start of a beautiful journey of embracing and appreciating my worth by first respecting my values. I have come to appreciate the word NO as one of the most powerful words when it comes to being true to you and your feelings. Learning how to say NO in a respectable and calm manner has not only helped in my decision making but also earned me the respect I deserve from myself and others alike. NO is a full sentence period so let’s normalise saying NO and not feeling the need to justify our answer. I would love to know your thoughts on saying NO and how it makes you feel so feel free to share in the comments below.

Affirmation

I will honour my truth even if I have to say no to myself.