Why Pain Was Never Meant to Have the Last Word

The 6-Letter Series That Transformed My Inner Dialogue (And Can Transform Yours)

Letter #5 - JOY - Finding Happiness in the Middle of the Mess

Hello and welcome to the Self-Worth Journal, I am Sheila Daisy a daughter of two cultures and Self-worth and Self Acceptance advocate. I write about my personal experiences with both of these concepts and how I have been able to build and nurture my self-worth. It is my hope that you will not only enjoy but find real value in my writing. Enjoy!

Happy new week dear friend,

Abbat - Unsplashed

To be honest, for a long time, I didn’t think I’d ever feel real joy or be able to have a genuine smile in my heart and on my face again. After going through so much hurt and disappointments, it just seemed like something other people got to have but not me. But working through the pain, layer by layer taught me something I never expected: joy isn’t about everything never knowing or feeling pain.

It’s about the courage to find light even when the past still leaves its shadows. Now, I’m living proof that healing can make space for a deeper kind of happiness — the kind that sticks around even when life isn’t easy.

So, today I want to talk about joy—not happiness which is dependent on circumstances, but the deep, abiding joy that lives beneath our experiences. I lost touch with this joy for many years and mistakenly believed it was a result of something that happened to me rather than something I could cultivate. As Henri Nouwen writes - Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day.

After my last letter of gratitude, I was so filled with this gentle assurance that all was indeed well and that I could decide what to feel moving forward. I felt happy - not the kind that comes with a grand manifestation but the type of happiness that filled my body with warmth and admiration when I thought of the person I was becoming. This led me to my next letter - JOY - a letter about how I rediscovered joy as an intentional practice rather than an elusive emotion based on certain outcomes.

Dearest Me,

Today, I write to us with a lightness I once thought impossible—a joy that stems from deep within rather than depending on external circumstances.

How beautifully unexpected this feeling is, especially when I remember where our journey began.

I celebrate us today.

I celebrate the I in You and the person we are becoming.

I celebrate the courage it took to begin the work of healing—to look scared but determined at old wounds and say, "These will no longer define me.”

I celebrate us because I remember when forgiveness felt impossible.

When the burden of past mistakes and regrets seemed permanently fastened to our shoulders.

That first letter of forgiveness we wrote was an act of our revolution - an intentional life changing choice.

In releasing ourselves and others from the prison of our own judgment, we discovered that forgiveness wasn't about erasing the past but creating space for a different future.

And what a future we've created and are creating! In the act of letting go of what no longer served us, relationships that drained rather than nourished, expectations that constricted rather than expanded, versions of ourselves we had outgrown, we made room for authentic joy to enter.

Our hands were once clenched tightly around what was but now have opened to receive what could be.

The compassion we've learned to show ourselves has transformed everything, where we once rushed past our pain or minimized our needs, we now pause, place a gentle hand on our heart, and say, "This matters. You matter. We matter. I see you. I see us.”

This simple practice of acknowledging our humanity and our worth has broken down walls we had built for our protection.

Joy now finds us in unexpected moments — ones that would first be ignored. Moments that aren’t grand but ones we intentionally choose to acknowledge. Yes JOY finds us,

In the morning light through windows,

In the beautiful songs of the birds

In the perfect temperature of tea

In the peace felt by our inner child and

In the reliability of our lungs to breathe without instruction.

Not because our circumstances are perfect, but because we've trained our attention to notice beauty amid our chaos.

I'm most proud of how we've reclaimed the ownership of our own story. No longer are we passive characters being written by old narratives or others' expectations.

We recognize now that each day offers a fresh opportunity, and we hold the pen. This doesn't mean we control every part, but what we do is we can choose how to respond, what meaning to make and what values to embody.

The responsibility of creating our own joy once felt overwhelming. Now I understand it's the most liberating truth: no one and nothing can grant us joy that we don't first allow ourselves to experience.

My worth - our worth - is no longer something I question or seek to prove. It simply is—inherent, unchangeable, independent of achievement or approval.

What freedom this knowledge has afforded us! We move through the world differently now, with boundaries that protect our peace and a generosity that flows from sufficiency rather than depletion because we are filling our cup.

I accept myself - us - exactly as I am—not perfect, but perfectly human. Our imperfections are not flaws to be fixed but dimensions that make us real, relatable, and resilient. I no longer strive to become someone else's idea of enough but instead, celebrate the unique qualities that make us who we are.

This joy we've discovered isn't the fragile and empty happiness I once chased. It's deeper, steadier—one that runs beneath the changing surface of daily life.

It doesn't require perfect circumstances or constant elation, no it coexists with difficulty and disappointment because it's rooted in self-respect rather than external validation.

On days when joy feels distant, I return to these truths:

I have forgiven myself.

I have released what no longer serves me.

I meet myself with compassion.

I am the conscious creator of my story.

I acknowledge my inherent worth.

I accept myself as I am.

From where we stand now, we know these aren’t just some affirmations but rather our own truths lived through experiences.

They are the foundation from which this authentic joy continues to emerge.

So today, I celebrate this journey—not because it's complete, but because we had the courage to begin it.

I celebrate the version of us who was brave enough to believe healing was possible. And I celebrate the version of us who continues to choose joy, one moment, one breath, one day at a time.

With deep joy and gratitude for our journey,

P.S. Let's dance in the kitchen tonight, just because we can. :)

Laela Sequoia - Unsplashed

Joy Lost and Found

There was a time when I couldn’t remember the last time laughter came easily and if you know me you know I love to smile and laugh. My smiles were not genuine, they were the ones that were surface and never reached ear to ear, just a little curve of the lips.

This was what I’d become accustomed to and Joy felt like something distant—reserved for those with lighter burdens, fewer scars, and less complicated lives. Even though I kept moving forward, checking off achievements, somewhere along the way, a part of me had gone missing, I’d stopped believing joy was also meant for me.

The shift didn’t come in a grand moment. It came quietly—through the gentle nudge to look closer at what was already around me. To look at things like the sensation warm cup of tea in my hands, a quiet morning, a kind word, or a song that stirred an old, familiar feeling. I realized joy wasn’t lost—it was simply waiting for me to notice it again.

In learning to find wonder in what I already had, joy slowly returned and I realized: that joy wasn’t something I had to chase or earn. It was in the little, everyday things. Not an overwhelming rush, but a gentle reminder that wonder still lives here, in the life I'm already living.

The Science of Joy

Reconnecting with joy was like reconnecting with gratitude again, these intentional acts were activating neural pathways that had grown dormant. Research from the field of positive psychology shows that joy isn't just an emotional state but a physiological one with profound health implications.

Dr. Barbara Fredrickson's "broaden-and-build" theory demonstrates that positive emotions like joy expand our awareness and encourage novel, diverse thoughts and actions. In her longitudinal studies, people who cultivated these emotions showed increased resilience, improved immune function, and even extended longevity.

More surprising still, neuroimaging studies reveal that the intentional practice of joy—through gratitude, play, awe, or connection—literally rewires our default neural pathways over time. We can train our brains to more readily access joy, just as we can train muscles to perform movements. These findings left me as I see it with one choice only if I was to reap the benefits and that was to actively cultivate my joy and gratitude.

Practices for Cultivating Joy

My journey has led me to a much better understanding of my self and the different states of emotions an individual can experience. I am not a guru at mastering them all, heck I am very human and sometimes my emotions do get the better part of me, however with time I’ve become incredibly better at navigating these and especially knowing when to cultivate these two - joy and happiness.

Happiness is often tied to my external circumstances—things going right, feeling good in the moment. Joy, on the other hand, is a deeper, more lasting state that comes from within, rooted in meaning, connection, and hope this for me is more spiritual. While happiness can fade quickly, joy can remain even through challenges and sorrow. If your relationship with joy has grown distant, these practices helped me rebuild mine:

1. Joy spotting: Setting an intention to notice three moments of joy each day, however small. Record them in a journal or share them with a friend.

2. Sensory joy: Engage fully with your senses for short periods throughout the day—really taste your food, feel the sensation of water on your skin, and listen deeply to music you love.

3. Movement joy: Find forms of physical movement that feel pleasurable rather than punishing. Dance in your kitchen - I love this in particular, stretch gently, walk somewhere beautiful.

4. Play without purpose: Schedule time for activities with no productive outcome—draw, build something, explore somewhere new with no agenda other than curiosity.

5. Awe practice: Regularly expose yourselves to things that invoke wonder—starry skies, powerful art, vast landscapes, or even watching nature documentaries.

Research-Backed Resources for Joy Cultivation

These evidence-based resources can further support the journey of cultivating joy.

• "Joyful" by Ingrid Fetell Lee: Explores the tangible elements in our environment that create joy and how to incorporate them.

• "The Book of Joy" by the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu: Wisdom on sustainable joy from two spiritual leaders who maintained joy through immense hardship.

• Yale's Science of Well-Being course: Available free online through Coursera, this course taught me practical, research-backed joy practices.

At the End of the Day - Joy as Resistance

In a world that constantly pushes us to do more and be more, I’ve realized that choosing joy is a powerful act of resistance. It’s a statement that no matter the circumstances, we still choose to see the good, embrace the beauty around us, and believe in the possibility of happiness.

It’s also become a declaration of faith for me. It’s an act of belief—despite all the hardship—that I trust in God's goodness, His beauty, and the joy He offers us.

As we start a new week I would like to remind you of this beautiful truth - Real joy doesn’t mean we ignore the struggle—it often grows from it. As Kahlil Gibran said, "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.”

On those tough days when it feels impossible to stay positive, I remind myself: joy isn’t something I am to wait for. It’s something I need to create. I can’t wait until everything is right—joy is available now, in every step of my journey. It’s become a tool and a source of strength because when we cultivate it, we become more resilient.

It’s how we keep showing up without falling apart. It is a protest against despair and a promise to myself that even here, even now, I am allowed to live with lightness. Joy belongs to the messy middle too.

Joyful Invitation: What brought you joy as a child that you've neglected in adulthood? How might you reincorporate a small version of this into your life this week?

Love&light

Sheila Daisy

Thank you for reading, I would love to hear your thoughts, perspective and experiences so please do share them in the comments. If you also know someone who might resonate, please do share this with them.