I Wasn't Mean to Myself—I Was Just Invisible to Myself

The 6-Letter Series That Transformed My Inner Dialogue (And Can Transform Yours)

Letter #3 - Self-Compassion: The Revolutionary Self-Care Technique that Changed Everything

In the last two weeks I have shared my journey through self-forgiveness and letting go as part of healing my lack of self-worth today I talk about my road to self-compassion.

Hello and welcome to the Self-Worth Journal, I am Sheila Daisy a daughter of two cultures and a Self-worth and Self Acceptance advocate. I write about my personal experiences with both of these concepts and how I have been able to build and nurture my self-worth. It is my hope that you will not only enjoy but find real value in my writing. Enjoy!

Happy new week dear friend!

“When was the last time you did something nice for yourself?” She asked

“Well, I always buy something for myself when I need it,” I replied

“No I mean when was the last time you did something nice not because you needed it, like pampered yourself?” She asked again

“Ermm…. I can’t really remember” I replied

“… but you’ve been telling me about all the people you’ve been baking for, driving to spend time with them even though you are busy and other things but you haven’t said anything about doing something specifically for you. Why is it that you go out of your way for others and not yourself?”

She continued… this was the conversation that brought my attention to how much I was disregarding myself and doing everything to please others.

After the session that day I picked up my journal again and made a list of the people I felt used by, I said a prayer of forgiveness asking for the courage to forgive them. I followed with a shot of H’oponopono meditation and meditated on I'm sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you.

When I felt no anger or resistance, I picked up the journal again and started a letter of compassion to myself as I’d come to the realisation that without having strong healthy boundaries I’d given my power to others and that type of relationship felt like I was being used because I was needed for what I could do and give.

The Silent Harm of Self-Neglect

For decades, I didn't realize that neglecting myself was a form of self-criticism—quieter but equally damaging. I wasn't openly harsh with myself, but I consistently put my needs last, worked through exhaustion, ignored my needs, and sacrificed sleep to meet others' expectations.

I never celebrated my accomplishments, because it was never enough and I was always far away from my ultimate goal. I called this "being responsible" or "dedicated," but research has a different name for it: passive self-abandonment.

A study by Dr. Kristin Neff and colleagues at the University of Texas found that neglecting our own well-being activates the same stress responses as direct criticism. Consistently ignoring our needs signals danger to our nervous system—my brain couldn't distinguish between external neglect and self-neglect. No wonder I lived in a constant state of anxiety, even without an inner voice actively criticizing me.

The Letter That Changed My Pattern of Self-Neglect

The night I decided to write this letter, with teary eyes I stood in front of my mirror leaking deep into my eyes and whispering - never again, I am whole, I am loveable and I am valuable. Then asked myself: Why had I normalized such disrespect toward myself?

Dear Me,

I know this letter is long overdue nonetheless, it’s a gentle reminder of how far we've come. The time is here when we have to prioritise US and let our inner voice be louder than the voices of others.

Every mistake we’ve made has been a teacher in our growth and not evidence of our unworthiness.

Not taking care of our needs first is what we knew before, because we believed that self-neglect was the only way to belong, be loved and be accepted.

It never was enough and we never were enough because WE never saw ourself as enough and worthy just by being us.

Looking back now it’s heartbreaking to see how long we've gone without the care we so freely give to others.

We have, for so long filled other’s cups and made them more comfortable than we were.

We’ve loved too hard, respected too much, and given too much of our energy and time without giving half as much to ourself.

We’ve poured and poured until there isn’t anything left to pour from.

We’ve made other’s needs a priority and completely forgotten the one person whose well-being should matter the most to us. You my darling Sheila.

This isn't about what we've done wrong, but about what we haven't given ourself permission to receive.

We haven't been cruel to ourself—just absent.

Just missing when we needed rest.

Just unavailable when we needed comfort.

Just too busy when our body whispered for attention.

Today we take a different approach to how we treat and care for US and the most important thing to remember is

We deserve the same thoughtful care we offer others without hesitation.

So, let’s make this promise:

We will start by creating boundaries that protect our energy and time.

We will notice and pay attention to when our body needs attention, we’re tired, or overwhelmed.

We will celebrate our accomplishments no matter how small to acknowledge the fact that we matter.

We will set aside a day in the week for total rejuvenation - our ME Day.

We will listen and make space to feel what our body tells us, paying attention to our needs.

Because our needs just like everybody’s aren't optional extras to be addressed when there's time, they’re essential and our priority.

Know this - We’ve always been worthy of this care—not because of what we accomplish or what we can do for others, but simply because we exist.

Yours,

The Science of Self-Compassion

What felt like a simple writing exercise was actually engaging powerful neurobiological processes which research shows that self-compassion activates the mammalian caregiving system, releasing oxytocin and opiates that counteract the stress response.

Another interesting fact I learnt was from Dr. Paul Gilbert, founder of Compassion Focused Therapy, he explains that self-compassion isn't self-indulgence—it's self-regulation.

Meaning that when we treat ourselves with kindness, we activate the parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest), which reduces inflammation, improves immune function, and enhances cognitive performance.

Coming across this made me understand better how I was living then, always on edge, easily prone to colds and then the fact that I was struggling to keep a consistent weight even when I was eating healthy and training constantly.

I was only addressing the symptoms of my problems, not the cause. My letter made me look at my self-acceptance, self-care and self-respect routines. If I was to heal completely and properly that meant treating myself as I would treat a dear one.

I started paying better attention to the different emotions, reactions and states of being that I experienced. Two of my favourite exercises for showing myself compassion were Mirror Work and daily check-ins.

Mirror work was hard at first but it got easier the more I practised and a trick I used whenever I did this was to imagine I was staring at my 5-year-old self. I would ask what I was feeling and what could I do for her. Then I will wait as I stared deep into the eyes in the mirror for a few minutes.

To whatever that came up I will say - I hear you, I see you and I am here to protect you. That made the whole check-in ritual relatable and easier. Whenever I completed a mirror work session I came out feeling light and at ease, I then understood that self-compassion isn't just emotionally healing; it's physiologically necessary for optimal functioning.

I still do mirror work from time to time but my check-ins are quite frequent to get through days and stressful times, so now I would like to share a few tips on how to integrate self-compassion routines in your daily life.

How to Cultivate Your Self-Compassion Practice

If self-compassion is self-regulation then it is ok to say that we don’t always need our inner critic or self-neglect to practice this. It should be part of our well-being tool kit so here are a few practices that helped and helps me to self-regulate:

1. The Mirror- Work and Check-in: Get yourself in front of a mirror and stare deep into your right eye. Take a few deep breaths and connect with your inner child, when you feel that you’re calm, ask yourself/inner child - How are you feeling today? What can I do to help? Be still for a few minutes and notice the thoughts and emotions that come up. If there’s anything you can do about them promise yourself to do it - this could be setting a boundary etc. Before you close put your hand on your heart and affirm: I see you, I hear you and I love you.

2. The self-compassion pause: When you notice suffering or self-criticism, place a hand on your heart and say, "This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of being human. May I be kind to myself right now.”

3. Mindful awareness of self-talk: Begin by simply noticing your internal dialogue without judgment. What tone do you use with yourself? What language? This awareness alone can be transformative.

4. Write compassion letters: Like the one I described, write to yourself from the perspective of an unconditionally loving friend or mentor.

5. Create a self-compassion mantra: Develop a phrase you can repeat during difficult moments, such as "I am worthy and I accept myself exactly as I am” or "I am doing the best I can with what I know right now.”

6. Physical self-compassion: Practice self-soothing acts of self-care—a gentle hand on your cheek, a warm bath, or slow, deep breathing—to signal safety to your nervous system.

Resources That Transformed My Relationship With Myself

If you are interested in learning more about self-compassion or creating your own specific routines here are some of my favourites which were essential in my self-compassion journey:

• "Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself" by Kristin Neff: The foundational text on self-compassion, based on rigorous research.

• The Center for Mindful Self-Compassion: Offers free guided meditations and resources at www.centerformsc.org.

• "The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion" by Christopher Germer: Practical exercises that integrate mindfulness and self-compassion.

The Ongoing Practice

My self-compassion journey has been tough but extremely worth the challenge and I continue to practice because there are still days when I need to be kinder and compassionate to myself especially on the days I don’t feel good.

The most unexpected outcome of this practice has been its effect on my relationships with others. As I've learned to respect myself and my time, treat myself with kindness and set better boundaries, my capacity for genuine compassion toward others has expanded. I listen more deeply. I judge less quickly and I recognize our shared desire - to be seen, heard and loved.

So as we start a new week, if there is anything you take from this article, let it be this: You are worthy of the same compassion you so readily offer others. Your imperfections don't disqualify you from kindness—they are precisely why you need it. Have a great week ahead.

With compassion for wherever you are in your journey.

Sheila Daisy.

Reflection Exercise: Notice how you speak to yourself when you make a mistake today. Write down what you say, then rewrite it as if you were speaking to someone you love deeply.

Thank you for reading, I would love to hear your thoughts, perspectives and experiences so please do share them in the comments. If you also know someone who might resonate, please do share this with them.