Dear Me, I Love You

The 6-Letter Series That Transformed My Inner Dialogue (And Can Transform Yours)

Letter #6 - Loving On Me

Healing From the Inside Out - The Most Important Relationship You'll Ever Have

Hello and welcome to the Self-Worth Journal, I am Sheila Daisy a daughter of two cultures and Self-worth and Self Acceptance advocate. I write about my personal experiences with both of these concepts and how I have been able to build and nurture my self-worth. It is my hope that you will not only enjoy but find real value in my writing. Enjoy!

Happy new week dear friend!

We are all born worthy, pure and loveable so where did this truth disappear to and when did I start believing that my worth and being loved had to be dependant on some conditions?

I spent over three decades not knowing how to love myself. I could love others, in fact, I loved fiercely, loyally, and completely what they call loving too much. But when it came to myself, love felt like a foreign language I couldn't grasp.

I mistook caring for my needs and picking up self-improvement for self-love, believing if I could just fix my perceived flaws, then I would finally be worthy of my own and others’ affection.

This was me addressing the symptoms and not the root cause of my problem. So, when my conversations with my coach brought me to take a deeper look at my challenges, I knew I had to do something different to get better.

When I Realized I Had a Self-Love Deficit

My awakening came during a coaching session when my coach asked a simple question:

“When was the last time you did something nice for yourself?”

The question stopped me cold, but I replied

“…well I buy things for myself when I need them.

No I mean when have you done something nice or bought something you didnt necessarily need but wanted? She asked again

“Ermmm I can’t remember - I replied

“Right you have just been talking about how you do things so willingly for others, cook and bake for them, buy them flowers and gifts etc. do you do any of these things for yourself not because you need them?” - she expanded on her question.

“No, not as much, I replied and she asked

“would you not drop everything and go see a dear one who needed you”

“yes I would” I responded then she asked the last question that hit me like a blow -

“Why do others matter more than you?”

On my way back from the session I kept on playing this exchange in my head and that question lingered - why do others matter to me more than myself?

That evening as I sat down to journal I asked - how can I love myself more? I couldn’t answer the question as all I’d ever known about loving yourself was the good old - spa dates, going out for a shopping spree or treating yourself to a manicure.

But my head was not in the right place and neither were my finances so as I sat in front of my laptop and searched for ideas I decided to bring my marketing expertise into a deprived self-love life.

I created a sort of self-love SWOT that helped me find things I loved to do that weren’t costly and not the generic advice found online. This analysis then became the foundation of my self-love guide - (comment if you want me to share this with you) which helped me find the things and activities that I loved to indulge in to fill my cup.

When I had come up with my list, I sat for a moment and thought about how I had been unknowingly treating myself all this while. The standards I held for myself, the criticism I routinely directed inward, the conditional acceptance —I would never subject another person to such treatment.

Yet I had normalized this relationship with myself, wondering why I felt incredibly drained, empty and disconnected.

The Research Reality

What I didn't understand then was that my lack of self-love wasn't just a psychological issue but a physiological one. Research from the field of psychoneuroimmunology shows that chronic self-criticism triggers inflammatory responses in the body, suppresses immune function, and alters gene expression in ways that accelerate ageing.

A 2019 longitudinal study published in the journal Health Psychology found that individuals with higher self-compassion (a component of self-love) had lower levels of systemic inflammation—a key marker for numerous chronic diseases.

Self-love, it turns out, isn't just emotionally healthy; it's biologically necessary. This was scary news to me because even though I have always been careful of the words I spoke to myself, somehow subconsciously my thoughts about myself were not the most loving, the comparison was crushing my self-image and worth and the high standards I had set were just not realistic.

I wasn’t treating myself like someone I liked let alone loved but that was to change because if you know better you do better and as I saw it, I was doing what I knew best before this knowledge.

My love letters

My coach suggested I begin writing letters to myself as if I were writing to someone I deeply loved. The first attempt felt awkward and artificial, but I persisted and as I wrote a couple I extended this ritual to other aspects of my healing journey writing about forgiveness, letting go, self-compassion, joy and gratitude.

But this particular letter bears witness to my journey from self-rejection to self-love—not as a destination I've perfectly reached, but as a path I'm learning to walk daily. I share it hoping that whatever your challenge is you will put yourself first and take responsibility to heal yourself because your future self will thank you for it and so will your loved ones.

My darling Me,

I'm learning to see us through the eyes of love instead of criticism.

There was a time I couldn’t look at us in the mirror without judgment and shame.

Every mistake felt like a stamp of failure, every disappointment like proof that we weren’t enough.

But through it all, we’ve kept going.

I see now how many times we were knocked down and still chose to get back up.

I see our heart—how deeply it loves, even after being hurt over and over again.

I see the effort, the quiet courage, the way we’ve kept showing up when no one else saw the weight we carried.

I know I wasn’t the best friend and caregiver to us because I neglected our soul’s cries, our heartaches and the gentle nudges of our intuition.

I failed us but that was because I didn’t know better.

For this, I want to share my sincere apology and promise to do better from today onwards.

I’m sorry for the times I made our worth conditional—on achievements, approval, or perfection. I'm sorry I was our harshest critic when we needed a compassionate friend.

I forgive us now for the paths not taken, for the moments when fear led the way, and for believing the voices that said we weren’t enough. That forgiveness hasn’t come easily and it’s taken time, tears, silence and a lot of relearning how to be gentle with ourselves.

But oh, how we've grown.

We’ve learnt to loosen our grip on relationships that drained our light, beliefs that boxed us in, and the patterns that kept us stuck.

We’ve made room—for rest, for joy, for new and life-giving things to bloom.

We’ve also learned what it means to be taken for granted, to have our kindness mistaken for weakness.

We now know that learning to walk away was not a failure, but a mark of true self-respect.

We now know that boundaries are not walls but bridges to better, healthier connections.

We’ve learnt that vulnerability isn’t weakness and vulnerability without boundaries isn’t love.

We’ve learned that joy isn’t a reward waiting at the end of some perfect path—it’s a practice. A choice. A quiet act of resistance in a noisy world and yes, joy can live in the same room as grief. Sometimes they even sit side by side as we’ve experienced.

Now my darling, I love how resilient we’ve grown. How even in our darkest seasons, we held a flicker of hope.

I love our sensitivity—how we feel things deeply and still care.

I love our strength, our tenderness and our willingness to keep becoming.

I love the way we look, our kinks and thick afro hair.

I love our accent, quirky laugh and bubbly personality.

So today, I make a promise. To be our own best friend and always on our side. A promise to meet us with compassion, especially when we're struggling.

To love us, not because of anything we’ve done but because it’s our birthright.

To protect our peace, honour our needs, and hold our dreams with care.

No more dimming our light to let others shine or being quiet when our voice matters.

We will no longer wait for external permission to love us because that permission lives inside now.

My dearest remember, coming to this realisation isn’t the end of the journey because loving ourselves is a lifelong process.

And we’re no longer starting from a place of lack—we're rooted in the truth that we are already worthy and enough.

Knowing that the longest relationship we will ever have is the one we have with ourselves, let’s learn to love who we are knowing that we are not perfect, not finished but whole, worthy and loved.

Yours forever,

Writing this letter, I wept—not from sadness but from recognition. I was now seeing myself for who I am for the first time. Some part of me had been waiting a lifetime to hear these words not from my mum, dad, siblings, partner or friends but from myself. I felt heard, I felt seen and I felt held in this warm embrace that only unconditional love could give. My journey had just begun and days and months after my letter I began establishing rituals and routines for myself to put myself first for the first time in my adult life.

My Loving On Me Practices

Through the continued work and practices I’ve taken part in, I've discovered that self-love isn't a feeling to wait for but a choice to make repeatedly. the choice to love yourself regardless of how you look and feel on a given day. this means carving for yourself rituals and practices that keep you on track and faithful to your own well-being. Here are some practices that helped and still help me develop this essential relationship:

1. Mirror work: Looking into my own eyes in the mirror and speaking words of affirmation and acceptance. I get myself in front of a mirror and stare deep into my right eye.

   Take a few deep breaths and connect with my inner child, when I feel that I am calm, I ask myself/inner child - How are you feeling today? What can I do to help? Be still for a few minutes and notice the thoughts and emotions that come up. If there’s anything you can do about them promise yourselves to do it - this could be setting a boundary etc.

   Before you close put your hand on your heart and affirm:I see you, I hear you and I love you. Initially uncomfortable, this practice became transformative for me over time.

2. Boundaries as self-love: Learn to say NO without the need to explain yourself. No in itself is a complete answer. Learning to say no to what depletes me and yes to what nourishes me—was hard at first as a former people pleaser my default was yes and when I said no I would explain myself but I came across a text somewhere that encouraged people especially women to be ok with saying no and not having to explain why. That changed a lot for me.

3. Pleasure as practice: Intentionally engaging in activities that bring joy and pleasure without "earning" them through productivity. I love to bake and crochet and I would only do these when I had time or had an order. These days I intentionally set times aside to do these just for the fun of it.

4. Physical self-love: Treating my body with kindness through movement that feels good, foods that nourish, rest when needed, and touch that comforts (like self-massage, hugging myself or dancing).

5. Self-parenting: Identifying what my inner child needed and didn't receive, then consciously providing that for myself now. Loving ourselves will look different for each one of us because of this be gentle with yourself if common information doesn’t suit your needs. It didn’t do it for me and I am sure I am not the only one so if you are looking for more ways then read on.

Resources That Guided My Journey

There are many resources and like I shared please do some research and find ones that speak to you and your situation. However, these resources were instrumental in teaching me the language of self-love:

• Love Yourselves Like Your Life Depends On It by Kamal Ravikant: A simple but profound practice of self-love that changed my inner dialogue.

• I Heart Me: The Science of Self-Love by David R. Hamilton: is a transformative guide that blends scientific research with personal development strategies to help readers cultivate genuine self-love.

• The Body Is Not An Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor: Revolutionary approach to loving the body you inhabit without conditions.

• Louise Hay's mirror work techniques: Available on YouTube and in her books, these guided practices helped me overcome the initial discomfort of direct self-love practices.

• Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff: Research-based approaches to developing self-love through compassion practices.

The Ripple Effects of Self-Love

What surprised me most about cultivating self-love was how it transformed my relationships with others. When I no longer approached connections from a place of lack and emptiness seeking to be filled, I could love others more freely, without the unconscious expectations and conditions I'd previously placed on relationships.

Learning to love myself also helped me receive love from others because I knew to what extent they were or weren’t capable of loving me.

I became more authentic, more vulnerable, and more present. I set healthier boundaries. I chose connections that reflected my inherent worth rather than trying to prove it.

Most significantly, I found that self-love created an internal sense of safety that allowed me to take greater risks in pursuing my deepest values and dreams. When failure no longer dictated my worth, I could approach life with more curiosity, faith, courage and creativity.

My Ongoing Relationship

Self-love remains a daily practice for me because there are still moments when the old patterns of self-neglect arise when I forget my worth or make it conditional. The difference now is that I recognize these moments as opportunities to practice loving-kindness towards myself even in my imperfections and especially on the days I feel less loveable.

So as we start a new week, I’d like to encourage you that wherever you are on this journey it’s ok to fall off the rails every now and again, this allows us to reparent ourselves again. We’re unlearning patterns that have been reinforced for decades, so start small, be patient and remember that like any relationship, this one deepens with time, attention, and consistent care.

The relationship you build with yourselves sets the foundation for every other relationship in your life and learning to love yourself is well worth the investment.

Self-Love Practice: Write yourselves a short love letter today, focusing only on who you are, not what you've accomplished. Keep it somewhere private and read it when you need a reminder of your inherent worth.

With much love & light,

Sheila Daisy

Thank you for reading, I would love to hear your thoughts, perspectives and experiences so please do share them in the comments. If you also know someone who might resonate, please do share this with them.